What do you think of this story please tell me how to improve it?

The day I became famous





I am going to “Hey P.U.C.K” yelled Bob. My face turned red, I wanted to hit him so hard but I chose not to because my dad to me that if I ignored them they would stop. It wasn’t really working but maybe just maybe they would stop. As I was saying I am going to tell you the story about why they call me all these names. Three months ago I was an average teenage boy. People used to call me Peter or Pete before 2007 the worst year of my life.





6th of July 2007


I was walking down the corridor when I saw a big poster so I went to my self what the hay I’ll read it. It said


Story writing competition


1 prize $100,000 and the story published


2 to 10th, $100 and an interview with the president.


After I read it I was very exited because I knew I was a good writer and I had a chance. I went home straight after school to start on my story.





30th of July 2007


Finally it was the day that the top 10 of the writing competition would be announced. After about an hour of boring speeches and jokes the top nine were announced and my name wasn’t called out. I started to doubt my self I kept on saying to my self why did I waist my time on this stupid competition there’s no chance of me wining this I probably came last. The representative of the competition called for silence every body stopped talking. “The board and I have decided that the last winner will be sent a letter telling him if he or she had won and remember the order that the students were chosen was not in chronological order, Thank you and please feel free to try some of the beverages we have here for you.”





6th of August 2007


I opened the front door of the house and as soon as me mother saw me she ran up to me, gave me a big hug and a kiss. I started wondering to myself what did I do to get this king of greeting. My mother had me held tight between her arms and she didn’t let go as she was hugging me she said to me “congratulations son you are one of the top ten writers.” It took about a minute for me to realize what my mum was saying and then I hugged her so hard I think her she was about to puck out her lunch. Then my mum told me that on the 21 of August we were going to Canberra to see John Howard.





21st of August 2007


I boarded the plane, took my seat and asked for a pillow. I tried to sleep but my eyes wouldn’t shut it was probably from all the excitement. 4 hours later we arrived in Canberra and when we landed there was a limo waiting for me and my mum. When we arrived at the hotel we received a phone call telling us that we were going to meet John Howard the day after.





22nd of August 2007


I stepped into the room I expected it to be a nice little room, but instead there were about 50 people with cameras tapping every minute. It was as if the were making a movie.


After I saw what was in the room I started sweating, I walked over to the chair and sat down. John Howard asked me a couple of questions about what made me interested in writing. Then he started asking me about what I thought of the government. With every question I felt sicker I tried my hardest to hold it but it was to powerful and it landed straight in John Howard’s lap. The worst thing out of all that was that I was on air.





Today


From that little incident my life was ruined and now you know were the name P.U.C.K. comes from and if you don’t I will tell you it is my initials put together Peter Uriah Collin Kakos. So please don’t be like me if there is a competition that says you get to meet John Howard don’t enter it because if you win you will end up just like me.

What do you think of this story please tell me how to improve it?
It has a good plotline (story) but unfortunately the way you are telling your story is too literate.


You want to show, not tell.


Example:


This is telling: He is angry.





Showing:


Sitting at his desk, his jaw tightened. His eyes flashed heat waves at me. The words erupted from his mouth, "I want to talk to you after class." The final hiss in his voice warned me about his feelings.





Make use of figurative language. Figurative language or speech contains images. The writer or speaker describes something through the use of unusual comparisons, for effect, interest, and to make things clearer. The result of using this technique is the creation of interesting images. Make use of personalization, emotions and metaphors.





What you wrote:


I stepped into the room I expected it to be a nice little room, but instead there were about 50 people with cameras tapping every minute. It was as if the were making a movie.





Why not try this instead:


Stepping into the room, I was confronted by a mob of cameramen, snapping photos every now and then and momentarily filling the room with a blinding flash of light. A TV camera eyeballed at me with eager anticipation. The room was entirely filled with the bright glare of stage lighting, giving off a strange aura that made my knees tremble.


I immediately felt nervous, naked and exposed. It felt as though time had completely stopped, and the world was waiting for my cue.


Gripped with anxiety, sweating, I forced myself to focus and proceeded to take the seat in front of the Prime Minister. And somewhere in a dark corner of the room, a sign lit up, brightly illuminating the words "ON AIR".


The show had begun.





the rest is up to you, good luck!
Reply:This story is the greatest story ever actually the thing is u can improve this story by writing ur real feelings and how u felt. I have experienced this situuation a lot of times but you gotta show or tell ur real feelings, how u felt and wat was the result, u got to be more specific otherwise this story is great and u can be a good writer one day, i assure you. But can u tell me are u a writer or justa normal school student cz im an average school student and i need help in my english too as i also like to tell stories. Pls!!
Reply:Superb story indeed!


But has spelling mistakes and you have left some words in between...I appreciate you....well actually I am 14 and I am a good writer and an expert in english. According to me Its superb. go on make a move after checking the mistakes made


Good luck!


Don't think that I am younger than you and you don't want to ask doubts from me. I would be happy if you would brother! ;)